This is not a self pitying post. This is not a “look at how much I’ve suffered” post. This is a “I’ve suffered a lot of shit but I’m going to use it to help people because the world is a scary place” post. This is a post of acceptance and reminding myself that my journey won’t end here. As someone who has been struggling with mental illness for five years (childhood trauma, hospital admission for two years, suicide attempts and crying into a plate of quorn nuggets at 1 am) I have learnt a lot of things that I wouldn’t have learnt otherwise. So here are some incoherent words of somewhat wisdom for people in the same boat as me.
1. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL LIKE ASS SOMETIMES. Everyone has their good days and their bad days. And I mean everyone. Like even my cat can have ups and downs. But it’s even harder when these bad days are depressive episodes, so let yourself feel whatever you feel and know that you’re allowed to. And sometimes you may feel guilty for even feeling bad. e.g why do I feel depressed when I have loving people around me? I still have all five senses and I didn’t have to fight in the Vietnam war so why do I feel so sad? But that’s the thing about mental illness, it randomly hits you in large waves and there isn’t necessarily always a cause behind it. But waves always settle and depressive episodes do too. Know that you can take however long you need to recover. Just make sure you’ll try to get back up again.
2. MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT A COMPETITION. Believe me, in hospital I was surrounded by people comparing how deep their cuts were or how skinny they were. Mental illness cannot be measured. People express emotions in so so SO many different ways – some people may self harm or binge or burst out into a ball of rage like a volcano (been there, done that, got the t-shirt and shrunk it in the wash). And some people might not do any of that but it doesn’t mean that they’re not depressed. Yes, there are different severities of anxiety and depression but it bugs me beyond belief when people think that you’re only depressed if you’re actively trying to kill yourself. It’s not always the case, sometimes it’s just lying in bed for days, not showering or brushing your teeth. Mental illness isn’t all that “exciting” and the representation of it in tv shows and movies is incredibly false. So instead of competing about who’s more mentally ill, compete about how many oreos you can fit into your mouth or how loud your biggest burp is.
3. LET PEOPLE LOVE YOU AND CARE ABOUT YOU. I have no idea why my family, friends and boyfriend put up with my annoying shit all the time, like I’m whiny and make jokes about death whenever I can. But if people around you want to be there with you through these crappy times, let them. You might not like yourself for whatever reason (psst self care is important. We’ll get to that in a minute) but that doesn’t mean other people see the negative things you see about yourself. You might think you’re an incredibly awful person with no good qualities but if people thought that they wouldn’t believe in you and want you to get better. Please try your hardest to not push away your loved ones because it just ends up with you feeling more sad and them feeling sad and everyone is just a big ball of sadness which is exactly what we DON’T want. And if you really didn’t deserve this much love and support from people then you probably wouldn’t get it. Got you there didn’t I.
4. TALK. I know you’ve heard this loads of times before but talking about your worries is so so important and can be a huge relief sometimes. I know I’ve been in episodes where I can barely even understand what I’m thinking, let alone articulate it in words, but I know sometimes letting someone know when you’re not feeling too good is helpful for everyone involved. If you can’t talk, just grunt at a family member or give them a sign that says “I really can’t cope and might throw my head into a blender!” If there’s something you really desperately need to get off your chest but you don’t want to burden your loved ones, try talking to someone online or book in to see a GP for some therapy or go to a counselling session at school, uni, college, etc. Having an outsider’s perspective can really help you take a step out of your head and think about things logically. You don’t need to deal with everything yourself. So talk to someone. Talk to a friend, a partner, a family member. You can even talk to your pet. Maybe a plant. Just talk. Using Haruki Murakami’s quote: “What happens when people open their hearts?” “They get better.”
5. SELF CARE NOT SELF SABOTAGE. This is the most important point ever so buckle up it’s gonna be a heavy one. I am honestly brilliant at self sabotage – I isolate myself from people, fall into unhealthy coping mechanisms and listen to really sad music when I’m depressed. But you need to treat yourself like you’re a real person who has feelings and a heart. You need to stop being so bloody hard on yourself. Start doing things like getting out of bed and showering before you turn to the juicy things like reading a nice book or going for walks. And when you start doing the small things, praise yourself, because shit son, depression is one of the hardest things to deal with. Think of self care using a plant analogy. You have to really care for a plant (which is why I always buy cacti). It takes time and a lot of nurture for the plant to grow. You have to water it every day and place it in a warm environment. You can’t just pour in a litre of water one morning and be like GROW PLANT GROW. It doesn’t work like that. The same way that you can’t force yourself to be happy instantly and to do things you’re not completely ready for. You have to let yourself grow in small steps. So small glasses of water every so often instead of a litre in one go. Keep hydrated and try to care for yourself. It might not be tomorrow or next week or next month, but when you start loving the person you are (the positive things AND the things that aren’t so great but hey, nobody’s perfect. remember that), you’ll be able to get through depressive episodes a bit better.
And as for me, I’m trying. I still struggle daily with my mental illness but I’m slowly learning, like you, that recovery is a long process. I have seen the darkness of the tunnel, like when I tried to kill myself with dangerous overdoses two years ago and dissociating after flashbacks of trauma. I’ve had to leave a number of different schools and live in an adolescent unit for nearly two years because my weight was so low. But I’ve also seen the light at the end of the tunnel, like when I saw my favourite bands play live and when I got to travel to beautiful parts of the world in America and Italy. I’m not completely happy with who I am as a person but I hope that by the end of this year, I’ll like at least one thing about myself. My only aim is to become the best version of me I can be. If you want any advice about anything, my Twitter ask box is always open. And please don’t let your present and future be ruled by your past. You are going to experience great things, I promise. Keep going and fighting, you are worth so much more than you think.
P.S – some resources that have helped me over the years and that I’d like to share!
Samaritans hotline – 116 123
http://www.wgn.org.uk – sexual abuse therapy
http://thequietplaceproject.com/
headspace app on iTunes
mindfulness coach app on iTunes
coping with BPD by Blaise Aguirre and Gillian Galen (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Coping-BPD-Symptoms-Borderline-Personality/dp/1626252181)
DBT workbook free PDF here! https://www.myjourneythroughmadness.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/dbt.pdf
Kari Pindoria 